It's not that they're not together. She'd prepared herself for that part, really she had. If it was simply not being held or hugged or kissed or even being made love to, that would be one thing. But that's not it at all. Not even a little bit.
It's the way that he looks right through her, as if he never loved her at all. And really? He didn't. He hasn't yet, and if everything goes right, he won't have the chance.
It's sick, really. Putting things right so that your life, everything you've ever known isn't really yours to experience. To remember. Those little moments that take two people to remember correctly, where you fill in the moments by finishing each other's sentences? She has to that herself, without any help from a diary or anything else. Even Teal'c's memory can only go so far.
It's the little things. She knows this. The way he'd touch her cheek before he sat down at breakfast or the way he looked at her while she studied the chessboard. The way their footsteps would run in pace or the way their breathing would even out together... after. Things that only SHE can remember, or forget.
It's not even that he doesn't remember loving her. It's that he'd be horrified if he knew the truth. It's that he looks at her like she's just a kid again, if he can remember that she's not two at all. It's that he treats her like one of the guys when he used to treat her like so much more. It's that she's just Hattie, again.
It's one thing to tell yourself that it would never have worked anyway, but it's something else entirely to see that played out as if your worst nightmare ("What if?") had come to life. She can't go back, she wouldn't want to go back and yet... she wonders. She wonders, in reverse now, what if? What if things hadn't gone back to normal? If time hadn't been reversed? If the Ori beam had finally hit the Odyssey and destroyed it or worse? If everyone had gotten old and died without her and she'd been forced to live the last twenty or thirty years of her life alone?
He might not remember being in love with her, but she remembers and she has to force herself to move forward. To act as though it never happened. She's not the only one, and maybe that's what sends her to Teal'c time and again. He has his own grief in love and they talk. They talk over and over and while he's stoic, she gets angry until there's nothing to be angry about anymore. She can't begrudge Cam his youth any more than he can begrudge her her age.
She watches him with Amy Vandenburg when they all take that vacation to Kansas. She knows her dad knows something she's not telling and there's a reason she's not telling. Would he kill her or murder Cam? It doesn't matter, it's all over and done and by the way Cam's disappeared with Amy, he's clearly moved on. Moved on from something he doesn't remember? It's not fair and she knows it, but she can't help the bitterness that chokes her from the inside out and the walk she takes into the middle of the cornfield does little to help the feeling.
On the base, he wonders why she's avoiding him, their chess games, their sparring matches and their jogs. When she agrees to the sparring match, there is genuine anger there and she has to quit before she attempts to do him serious damage. Instead, she agrees to an offworld mission with SG-12 as their linguist. Camping, it was not.
Instead, it gives her time to rethink her goals. SG-12, studying and finally, maybe, moving on from Cam. He knows now and while they have an understanding, they'll never be where they were. He's not 'her' Cam, anymore. Deep down she knows this even if her heart has a hard time recognizing it.
Hattie Jackson
Stargate OC
773 Words
(pre-Kitt)
It's the way that he looks right through her, as if he never loved her at all. And really? He didn't. He hasn't yet, and if everything goes right, he won't have the chance.
It's sick, really. Putting things right so that your life, everything you've ever known isn't really yours to experience. To remember. Those little moments that take two people to remember correctly, where you fill in the moments by finishing each other's sentences? She has to that herself, without any help from a diary or anything else. Even Teal'c's memory can only go so far.
It's the little things. She knows this. The way he'd touch her cheek before he sat down at breakfast or the way he looked at her while she studied the chessboard. The way their footsteps would run in pace or the way their breathing would even out together... after. Things that only SHE can remember, or forget.
It's not even that he doesn't remember loving her. It's that he'd be horrified if he knew the truth. It's that he looks at her like she's just a kid again, if he can remember that she's not two at all. It's that he treats her like one of the guys when he used to treat her like so much more. It's that she's just Hattie, again.
It's one thing to tell yourself that it would never have worked anyway, but it's something else entirely to see that played out as if your worst nightmare ("What if?") had come to life. She can't go back, she wouldn't want to go back and yet... she wonders. She wonders, in reverse now, what if? What if things hadn't gone back to normal? If time hadn't been reversed? If the Ori beam had finally hit the Odyssey and destroyed it or worse? If everyone had gotten old and died without her and she'd been forced to live the last twenty or thirty years of her life alone?
He might not remember being in love with her, but she remembers and she has to force herself to move forward. To act as though it never happened. She's not the only one, and maybe that's what sends her to Teal'c time and again. He has his own grief in love and they talk. They talk over and over and while he's stoic, she gets angry until there's nothing to be angry about anymore. She can't begrudge Cam his youth any more than he can begrudge her her age.
She watches him with Amy Vandenburg when they all take that vacation to Kansas. She knows her dad knows something she's not telling and there's a reason she's not telling. Would he kill her or murder Cam? It doesn't matter, it's all over and done and by the way Cam's disappeared with Amy, he's clearly moved on. Moved on from something he doesn't remember? It's not fair and she knows it, but she can't help the bitterness that chokes her from the inside out and the walk she takes into the middle of the cornfield does little to help the feeling.
On the base, he wonders why she's avoiding him, their chess games, their sparring matches and their jogs. When she agrees to the sparring match, there is genuine anger there and she has to quit before she attempts to do him serious damage. Instead, she agrees to an offworld mission with SG-12 as their linguist. Camping, it was not.
Instead, it gives her time to rethink her goals. SG-12, studying and finally, maybe, moving on from Cam. He knows now and while they have an understanding, they'll never be where they were. He's not 'her' Cam, anymore. Deep down she knows this even if her heart has a hard time recognizing it.
Hattie Jackson
Stargate OC
773 Words
(pre-Kitt)
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