Jan. 24th, 2009

hattie_notqueen: (Kitt and Hattie (car))
When you wake up, you're tender. Sore, even, but you can't place the feeling.

Fumbling, the clock falls and you see that you've been asleep maybe two hours, but that doesn't fit. It doesn't make sense. None of it makes sense, even if makes you feel warm, contented. It feels wrong, though, that your mind has filled in gaps you didn't know were there. Gaps that shouldn't have existed. Perhaps, and this is your father speaking, there is more to our instinct than we give the human race credit for.

You didn't tell him everything, how could you? What would you have said? It makes less sense as time goes on and time DOES go on.

When the memories DO hit, sometimes they're fierce, sometimes they produce a longing, sometimes it's a fondness... and after even more time, they come less frequent until you forget that you're supposed to remember.

Your 18th birthday comes and he kisses you, how can he not? You've become the beautiful, smart, enchanting woman you were meant to become. Nothing can change that, not even far away dreams. And though he kisses your shoulder, your breast, your hip... you feel empty and say goodnight.

It happens eventually, how can it not? There are so few of you and you've had a crush on him since you were eleven and saw him with no shirt on. But that love you swore to at twelve was not there at fourteen and when he kissed you, was he lacking love?

You go home, things fall into place as they do, and eventually you come across that voice again. Manifested on a computer screen, no less, and the irony is lost on you. You don't remember, not yet, but you will and you leave without hesitation.

No fear, no doubt, no worries.

You're not turned off in the slightest at the sight of him, how could you be? He loves you, he always has. He doesn't know it yet and you don't remember. But he will and you will and as the universe plays out the way it's supposed to, all things fall into place.

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Catherine Hatshepsut (Hattie) Jackson

March 2009

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